Different.

How much things change in the course of a year.

You were my best friend, I was closer to you than I ever was with anyone, even friends I've had since primary school. We almost never got through more than 3 days without seeing each other. Even if we did, we'd call and talk on the phone for ages, catching up on little trivial things I don't even remember anymore.

I told you things about Calvin, way before anything happened. We were 16, and it was easy talking to you, because you never judged.

Going out with you was always a breeze, I could dress up when I felt like it, and not feel uncomfortable. You weren't like the other girlfriends I have, always looking me up and down, looking for flaws in my body, outfit or make up. In fact, you always made me feel better about myself, likewise I hope I did for you. 

When I found out you and him had something going on, I couldn't have been more thrilled. I've always wanted to have a best friend who's boyfriend was best friends with mine. We talked about all the things and trips we would do together, and essentially the first one we planned really did happen.

The week you guys got together everything changed. Maybe I changed, I should've been more considerate, you needed alone time, but I didn't understand that yet.

We fixed things. It still felt like we'd already drifted apart. I didn't mind though, because I knew when I call you'd still be there.

I heard about something silly that happened to you from a friend, thought it was incredibly funny, and texted you. You took it differently though, you thought I was intruding. All of a sudden everything blew up, we were fighting. Then you brought up the previous situation, the one we already cleared up. I was beyond frustrated, I thought we'd got over that, but no, you said. 'these things build up.' I remember reading that sentence, and being absolutely heartbroken, because I believed our friendship was strong enough to move past things.

We didn't speak for weeks. Stubborn and egoistic, neither of us gave in. We became the reason the others stopped hanging out. This went on for months, even when I cooled down, even when there was no longer a reason to be angry. 

One day, he called. I hadn't spoken to him in so long when his name popped up on my phone I had a double-take. We talked for a long time and I asked how you were, since I missed you. He told me you were performing, and asked for me to go support.

I was afraid it would be awkward, yet I remember the first thing I said to you that day. I smiled and asked 'are you nervous?!', you laughed. Things didn't go back to what it used to be, we were merely acquaintances and our group of friends were fighting too, but it was better than nothing.

It was his birthday, we all hung out and I was convinced things were getting better between us. It almost felt natural again. I even remember one of our friends going 'omg you guys made up!', but again that wasn't the case, because you were still bitching about me to him. 

When I confronted you about it, you assured me you were just fooling around, and that you didn't mean it. What you didn't know was how hurt I was, that even in a million years I would've never said the same about you.

I could go on, the story of how we fell apart, but truth is it's painful for me to talk about it. I know you have though, you've told so many that even people I've never met know about it. But do they really know what happened? Did you also tell them the things you said about me, while I treated you as my closest friend?

Sigh. I don't know why I'm even thinking about this. Maybe I'm it's the time of the month speaking. Maybe it's 5am and I'm delirious. Or maybe despite resisting it, I still miss you.